Saying “I’m sorry” to a parent of a child with Down syndrome can be hurtful because it implies that having a child with Down syndrome is inherently negative or tragic, as if the parent has suffered a loss or something that should be pitied. While it might come from a place of well-meaning sympathy, the underlying message can feel dismissive of the joy, love, and pride that parents often feel for their child.
Here are some key reasons why it’s problematic:
1. Unintentionally Frames the Child as a Burden
When someone says “I’m sorry,” it often expresses condolences, which are typically reserved for sad or unfortunate events. This phrase can suggest that the child’s life is something to be mourned or regretted, framing their existence as a misfortune. It invalidates the parent’s experience of love and happiness in raising their child and assumes that the child is a source of sorrow rather than fulfillment.
2. Ignores the Positive Aspects of Parenting
While raising a child with Down syndrome can come with unique challenges, many parents experience deep joy and pride in their child’s achievements, development, and personality. Saying “I’m sorry” ignores these positive aspects and instead focuses only on the difficulties or stereotypes about disability. It reduces the child’s identity to their diagnosis, rather than recognizing them as a unique individual with strengths and abilities.
3. Reinforces Outdated Social Stigmas
Historically, disability—especially intellectual disabilities like Down syndrome—was viewed through a lens of tragedy or shame. Offering condolences perpetuates these outdated stigmas. Modern perspectives emphasize inclusion, acceptance, and the celebration of diversity. Saying “I’m sorry” inadvertently reinforces the old belief that a disability diminishes the value of a person’s life.
4. Assumes the Parent Needs Sympathy
Most parents of children with Down syndrome don’t view their child as a reason for sympathy. They often view their child as a beloved member of the family who brings joy and richness to their lives. When someone offers sympathy, it can feel like a misunderstanding of the love, pride, and deep bond they have with their child.
5. Misses the Opportunity to Celebrate the Child
A better approach would be to celebrate the child just as you would any other. Ask about their milestones, show interest in their personality, and offer congratulations for their birth or accomplishments. This acknowledges the child’s inherent value and worth, and creates a more positive, inclusive conversation that aligns with the parent’s love and pride.
6. Assumes the Parent Feels Disappointment
Saying “I’m sorry” assumes that the parent is disappointed with the situation, when many parents feel the opposite. Parents may be learning about their child’s abilities, navigating challenges, but they don’t necessarily feel sadness about their child’s condition. This assumption can feel like an outsider’s misjudgment of their family experience.
7. Can Alienate the Parent
When someone expresses pity, it can isolate the parent, making them feel like others don’t truly understand their experience or see the richness in their family’s life. Parents of children with Down syndrome often want to feel connected, understood, and supported—not pitied.
A Better Approach:
Instead of offering condolences, it’s more supportive to treat the child and parent like you would anyone else. You could say something more affirming and encouraging, such as:
- “Congratulations on your beautiful child!”
- “How’s everything going?”
- “Tell me more about your little one!”
These kinds of responses center the conversation on the child as a person, not the diagnosis, and help foster a sense of acceptance, inclusion, and genuine interest.